iBall on India 2014: humor

Saturday, November 8, 2014

BeeBee Hits the Trifecta

Saturday, 8 November 2014, Jaisalmer

This morning, Pati and BeeBee were standing at the edge of a narrow street, listening to their guide describe the architecture of a building across from them. There was a telephone or electric line just above them, and a number of pigeons using it. Suddenly, BeeBee felt something on her shirt. She glanced down and saw a small white clump beside a button. She asked Pati to look also, and he confirmed another small but direct hit on her shirt, which she, fortunately, could not see. "It will dry," she said, "and then it will just scrape off." At least it wasn't in her hair.

A few minutes later, as they were sharing a narrow spot with other tourists and motorcycles, BeeBee felt her arm jerk backward. A passing motorcycle had snagged her sleeve on one of its projecting metal parts and was taking the sleeve with it. She quickly pulled free and checked her arm and sleeve. No skin was broken, and the sleeve was intact.

At this point, she remembered the childhood saying "bad things happen in threes." She began to wonder what the third bad thing would be. Stepping in cow poo, perhaps? She really hoped not! Even knowing that it was silly, a small worry nagged in the back of her mind.

Then, as they were walking down another small street, it happened. There was yet another cow taking up most of the street. BeeBee walked by cautiously. The cow flicked its tail, hitting BeeBee squarely in the back, but leaving no mark and no pain. The third bad thing. It was over.

Friday, November 7, 2014

Would you like curry with that rat?

Thursday, 6 November (Mid-Day), Phalodi

After the long drive from Pushkar, Pati and BeeBee finally reached a hotel. Given their experience in Pushkar, BeeBee insisted on checking the hotel name against their itinerary. "There is only one hotel in Philodi," the driver said. It was the hotel Lal Niwas, a two hundred year old mansion, which, according to toiletries in the room, is also a Days Inn. The man in reception insisted that they check out rooms 202 and 211 before deciding on a room. They went to their room using an elevator with a sign that says "Both use three person at time" They tried.

The man carrying their bags took them to room 202. Another hotel staffer was already there unlocking the door. He was carrying a spray can of some sort, and entered before them, spraying furiously under the bed and in other suspicious spots. He waved them in, pointed out aspects of the room ("Don't hit your head" entering the bathroom), and hurried off with no mention of room 211. BeeBee looked under the bed to make sure nothing looked back. Then she said to Pati "This room has no windows!" She also noted that the directory of services book in their room has a tab labeled "Places of Interest." There is nothing listed.

To escape their room, Pati and BeeBee went off to find the dining room for lunch. The place was empty. There were tables both inside and out and it was hot inside. Pati and BeeBee chose a seat outside next to the swimming pool. It was green and full of bird feathers (so much for Pati's swim). The table cloth was covered with ashes and grease stained. Two waiters came our, and with great ceremony, shook the tablecloth and put it right back on the table. One of the waiters, who reminded Pati and BeeBee of Manuel from Faulty Towers, came to take the order. He made recommendations for dishes which turned out to be very tasty. He then brought plates and repeatedly dusted them. He placed the silverware, carefully handling each utensil by the eating end, and explained to Pati "This is knife, fork, spoon." (Pati and BeeBee wiped their utensils with paper napkins when no one else was looking.) When the food came, he began placing dishes and began to move the salt and pepper shakers around the table with the intensity of a chess grand master in a timed match. He then wiped their plates again, wiped off the salt and pepper shakers with his hands, and layered Pati's lap with paper napkins. At any moment, BeeBee expected him to ask "May I lick your spoon?"

Pati saw that BeeBee was bothered by the grimy tablecloth, so he said "Don't look over there." She looked. What she saw was a dead rat about five feet from the table. BeeBee thought it was about 8 inches long from nose to base of tail but she didn't go over to measure it (Pati supposed it was 20 centimeters long because he thought it was a metric rat). Becoming quite fond of the dead rat, BeeBee proposed naming him Basil.

A few minutes later, a cleaning man was walking by. He looked and saw the rat. Then he did a double take when he saw Pati and BeeBee sitting next to it. He vanished for about 30 seconds planning his next move. He then appeared with a broom and dustpan and casually swept various places on the floor working his way to the rat. Finally, he casually knelt trying to block the view of the rat. Then he disappeared, as had the rat. Pati and BeeBee fully expected their waiter to ask "Would you like curry with your rat?" Later in the day, Pati wondered if the Lal Niwas was the worst hotel he had ever stayed in. A motel on the outskirts of Atlantic City came to mind, but Pati decided that motel was only second.